I finally ended my 5-year, on and off relationship with my now ex-best friend. I cannot deny that from time to time I miss having him around. But from the day we abruptly stopped talking until today, I’ve learnt so much about myself that I will not trade this lesson to return to my old self.
1. I’m capable of doing things ALONE.
For years, I’ve lived in a complete dependency on someone. If I needed groceries, he would be there… If I needed to be somewhere far he would drive… he brought me to my interviews, sent me to work if I was running late, and drove me to endless possible places I could ever thought I would go. He was a great guy but things just didn’t work out the way we both wanted it to. I’m not going into details but I’m happy to know that I can do things alone. I’m happy to know that I don’t need anyone to complete my everyday tasks. My boyfriend should not just be someone I can rely on. He should be someone that complements me because I’m already complete.
2. I’m enough and I should receive the love I deserve.
I do not need to demand for love. Loving me should come easy and natural. I don’t need to force love. And I deserve to be loved the way I love and the way they want to be loved. I do not need to have secret longings to be treated rightfully.
3. I’m capable of loving myself more than anyone else.
I guess, because I’ve been alone for way too long, I was yearning for someone to love me more than I love myself. I offer them more love with the desire to be loved equally if not more by them. But along the way, I’ve forgotten to love myself. I’ve forgotten that to be loved so much, I have to learn to love myself equally much.
I’m still learning to love myself and fall in love with the person I become. Everyday, I give thanks to God for me and nowadays, I thrive to do things that make me happy. Honestly, I could never imagine that I would be having this ritual with myself. It feels so good. Falling in love with myself is the best decision I’ve ever made.
4. What is the worst thing that could happen?
Without him, I’ve learnt to overcome my fears. My fear of being with people. My fear of networking, saying hello to strangers, making small talks and most importantly, my fear of being vulnerable.
I’ve learnt to question myself, “what is the worst thing that could happen?” each time I’m afraid. Eventually, I learn that I can and will overcome the worst thing that could have happened if I decide on something, no matter how risky.
5. I’m okay being alone.
Honestly, sometimes, it does feel extremely terrifying. Especially at night, when I close my eyes and think about my future and my mysterious man. But I’m happy being alone. I don’t feel lonely. In fact, I feel excited. I feel completely comfortable eating alone, walking in the mall alone and even just spending a quiet night all by myself.
I wish it is easy to articulate the kind of joy I’m experiencing right now. How I’m finally at peace with myself, my past and my fears. But, I’ve learnt not everyone will understand. And I’m completely fine with it too because I love myself enough now to only accept the love I deserve.
I’m honestly excited to meet the man of my dreams. But till then, I will wait and work on improving myself. Here’s to a better me and for you reading this, here’s to a more hopeful and happy you. 🙂