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I’m not sure really what I should title this post. It’s hard when all you have is a sudden outpour of feelings. Because when it happens, my writing is unstructured and a mess, just like how my thoughts are kinda right now.

But I’m going to write anyway. I’m going to write aimlessly and earnestly.

So this happened last night while I spent some time with my best friend, Google. I was basically intrigued by David Whyte after reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic. So I searched him up online and discovered other profound writings of his. This one about forgiveness stuck with me the most.

Here’s what Whyte wrote about forgiveness in one of his books, Consolations:

Forgiveness is a heartache and difficult to achieve because strangely, it not only refuses to eliminate the original wound, but actually draws us closer to its source. To approach forgiveness is to close in on the nature of the hurt itself, the only remedy being, as we approach its raw center, to reimagine our relation to it.

Chills ran up my arms as I read his words, silently condoning its truth in my life. Right now, even as I write this, I can feel sadness engulfing me like a huge waves rushing the shore. It’s hard to admit that what he wrote is soooo true.

I thought that forgiving someone is an easy thing to do  but last night I realized, it isn’t easy. If Whyte is right, then maybe all I have done was forgetting, pushing those thoughts away and not actually forgiving them.

I need to face my fears.

I need to open my arms to them like how I would to my dreams and goals. I need to embrace them like how I embrace gifts of joy. 

Honestly, it really isn’t a delirious thing to do. It sucks to be thinking of my own fears and people that have had consistently hurt me.  They are too much I can barely count them or feel them. Besides, I’m kinda good at ignoring people. I’m good at pushing them away. It’s like a mastery.

It is even worse to think that I actually have to embrace them once more. Admit that they have been very significant to me and they were the ones that saw my uttermost pain and hurt, and the ones that have caused them – inadvertently. I’ve tossed them so faraway, retrieving them and recalling these moments feel extremely difficult.

To forgive is to put oneself in a larger gravitational field of experience than the one that first seemed to hurt us. We reimagine ourselves in the light of our maturity and we reimagine the past in the light of our new identity, we allow ourselves to be gifted by a story larger than the story that first hurt us and left us bereft.

I’m writing this because I’m determined to forgive. I want to look forward to a larger story that’s more beautiful than the first story. I’m determined to live life like how nature intends me to live. How I’m supposed to live.

And I’m writing this because it’s so hard to consolidate my feelings without words. I want to share my thoughts because being vulnerable is always the hardest thing to do. It’s a challenge and I’m accepting this challenge.

Forgiving is hard but I believe it’s going to be worth it.

So I’m going to do it. Today, I decided. I will take those hurts back again and then toss them away after I’m done discovering my deepest fear about them.

It’s not just the right thing to do. It’s the most sane, it’s how you improve. 

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