I really really wanted to blog. If you ever ask me what writing means to me – I’ll tell you, it means a lot – writing means a lot to me. But recently, I got stuck. Stuck with me trying too hard to be a perfect writer.
Ok. Maybe not just a perfect writer. But a perfect cook, friend, designer, artist and all that shit.
A whole part of me really wanted to (I still want to) be the perfect Audrey. So much so that for weeks, I find myself in a daze, not exactly sure what to blog about or what to exactly do. So I ended up becoming a bad friend, artist, designer, writer and human.
I became a sloth.
I need a plan, I told myself but the plan never did happen. I was either too busy or I put too much thoughts trying to make a plan to my plan.
Perfectionism sucks. Wanting a flawless blog post and a perfect wrap-up to every entries I’ve written sucks because I’d end up having nothing to write about or hitting the backspace key endless times.
Worse, I don’t just have this atychiphobia for blogging. I have it for EVERYTHING. Ok honestly…
I fear failures.
I fear spotting a minute error that I could have fixed if I’ve had noticed it earlier.
I fear making grammatical errors.
I fear spelling errors.
I fear relationships.
I fear hurting others with my opinions.
I fear I cannot be the woman I’ve dreamt of becoming.
Phew feel so good writing my fears down.
I really hate this. I hate the perfectionist in me who constantly wants to please people. The girl who thinks PEOPLE will laugh and tease her for falling and failing. The girl who thinks PEOPLE JUDGE too much when the real judge is herself.
I promise I will overcome this. Because just as Brene Brown stated, perfectionism is self-destructive and addictive.
There is no way I can be the most perfect, blameless and flawless. Perfectionism will only keep me from being the person I ought to become. So here I am writing my first post after two weeks of unannounced hiatus and here’s to being OKAY with not being a perfect human. Cheers.