I am not much of a planner but in all my life, I have always visualized / created a simple life plan to myself to assure my existence on Earth means something.
I will graduate.
Get a job.
Meet my significant other.
Have two kids.
Monitor my kids.
Trick my kids into thinking vegetables are chocolates.
Plan other kind of tricks.
Journal those tricks.
It was a simple plan that I thought will go pretty smoothly. After all, I have like years to accomplish the plan. Little did I know, life is actually much more than raising a family and getting a job – at least not for me. I recently realized I am a self-professed workaholic who sees no meaning in life if I were to be stuck at an 8 – 5 desk job with no results and continuous repetitive work (God forbids).
People say that sounds like an entrepreneur. But I disagree. It is more than being a businesswoman.
It is about finding meaning.
I just want my work to mean something. To achieve something.
Reflecting on this, I panicked. Because my life is in fact the total opposite. It is filled with uncertainties, risk and the unknown.
I panicked like a sweaty old hag who woke up late and ran for his life to catch a bus. Panicked because here I am reaching quarter years old and I thought by then I’d already have some sort of career, know what I want to be or achieve and most importantly, I thought I’d be very stable.
But I am not. I am still floating like a puffy white cloud in the sky. And I still act like a childish kid who gawks at chocolate and laughs at stupid jokes.
I have no idea when I am going to get married (I can’t even think of myself and marriage just yet). I am still trying to make sense of my love for marketing, content creation, coding and graphic design…and music. Like who on Earth touches everything beautiful and fell in love with everything? Me. Fml.
Then, I realized, what the heck.
It is actually okay. It is okay to be uncertain about myself.
I slowly embrace the fact that I know nothing about my life or in fact anything of my skills but guess what, vaguity is perfectly fine and it is OK.
It works much better than trying too hard into tricking my brain to think that I do have a plan and I do know what I want in life and all (Sorry brain). It works much better because I am finally honest, and the feeling is incredible.
For the first time ever, I feel like a free bird because hey you know what,
I don’t know where my life is taking me. Maybe I have two kids. Maybe I’ll have twins. And maybe, I will in near future work too much. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I am uncertain and I accept the fact that I am uncertain – and at least that’s one thing I know for sure. I have uncertainties and I accept them.
With that in mind, I stop being too harsh on myself for not adhering to “the life plan”. I fell in love with myself all over again.
Did it stop me from working hard? No. But it stops me from feeling like a complete shit.
Did it stop me from thinking that having no goals is okay? No. But I now learn that it is okay to have uncertainties. One day things will make sense. Uncertainties are part of life and I shouldn’t be too brutal with myself.
Sharing this because it feels like I’ve just found a gold hidden beneath dirts and soil so there is this urge to announce it.
And also because I want to share this with you who are perhaps experiencing the same thing.
Maybe you are feeling like wtf is wrong with your life. Maybe life hasn’t made sense to you but it makes sense to your peers. Maybe you are not sure what to be certain of anymore…
It’s okay. It’s okay to be uncertain and not have your future all planned out. We can be happy without having the answers to everything. No doubt we crave absolute certainties. But when they don’t come as easy and uncertainties overwhelm our safety net, we have to accept that because we can’t change it and that’s okay. Maybe this will one day teach us something and help us find the path that is destined for us. Maybe not. We don’t know but again, that’s okay. We have to learn to accept the shaky journey to our destined path.
Here’s a quote from Shivam to end all this wordy text:
The best way to live your life is by falling in love with it. All you need to do is savor every moment and trust the flow in your life. Be happy about uncertainty and unresolvedness for it could bring unexpected happiness. Get out of the story in your head and breathe where life happens. Right now. – Shivam.
Here’s to becoming a fearless life explorer!