A Beautiful Paradox

I grew up with this notion of life – that since life is hard, everyone would be equally nice to each other – but I learnt recently that not everyone is nice. We are all victims to our own experience, hurt and eventually we become more and more wary whom we give our uttermost human service aka kindness to.

Believe it or not, accept it or not, we are all money driven one way or the other. We rush to work every weekday or sometimes, on weekends because our work offers income. This income brings food to the table, allows us to spend and live the life we desire.

But what is exactly the kind of life we want? Is life about dwelling a contented, three-story bungalow, driving our dream car or being able to travel everywhere we could without worrying about how much we are going to spend? Or is it about everything listed and more?

Could we unconsciously be vying for power? We want the power to control and the power to make decisions because we are simply too tired listening to the higher-up.

Whatever they are, we thrive to reach those life goals. We take every step we can. We measure every risk we can possibly think of.

Our “dream” life then makes us a goal eccentric individual, which means we cannot be nice to everyone. We have our loved ones and dreams at stake. Selfishness then becomes a necessity.

I reflected on my experience with humans and my countless interaction with every one of them during my travel and coincidental bumps.

I now understand this sad yet powerful thing about humanity – that we can never be 100% kind to each other – yet at the same time, we have to be kind. I now understand this truth as a beautiful paradox.

We have to be kind. But we cannot be too kind.

So where do we draw the line?

Honestly, I still have no idea how. For multiple times I’ve crossed the line I drew and too many times I have retreated and moved two steps back from the same line.

But what I know for sure is the brutality of listening to your gut feelings – not necessarily following them. They somehow already know what you want, what you don’t want and potential catastrophes you might have brushed off.

I emphasized listening not necessarily following because we would never actually fully follow our gut feelings. We simply don’t have the guts too. It is too scary, risky and what if our feelings ended up being wrong? So I don’t coerce obedience towards my instinct anymore. Listening works much better.

In summary, I learn that the perception of life then is not about being right or wrong. It is also not about being rich or poor. Neither it is about living a balanced life. Rather, it is about being entirely certain that sometimes, life just happens to kick you in the butt and throw you up in the sky – we just have to enjoy this beautiful paradox one day at a time.

“My heart is at ease knowing what was meant for me will never miss me, and what misses me was never meant for me.”

Finding Certainty in Uncertainty

I am not much of a planner but in all my life, I have always visualized / created a simple life plan to myself to assure my existence on Earth means something.

I will graduate.

Get a job.

Earn money.

Meet my significant other.

Get married.

Travel.

Have two kids.

Monitor my kids.

Trick my kids into thinking vegetables are chocolates.

Plan other kind of tricks.

Journal those tricks.

Get old.

Etc. etc.

It was a simple plan that I thought will go pretty smoothly. After all, I have like years to accomplish the plan. Little did I know, life is actually much more than raising a family and getting a job – at least not for me. I recently realized I am a self-professed workaholic who sees no meaning in life if I were to be stuck at an 8 – 5 desk job with no results and continuous repetitive work (God forbids).

People say that sounds like an entrepreneur. But I disagree. It is more than being a businesswoman.

It is about finding meaning.

I just want my work to mean something. To achieve something.

Reflecting on this, I panicked. Because my life is in fact the total opposite. It is filled with uncertainties, risk and the unknown.

I panicked like a sweaty old hag who woke up late and ran for his life to catch a bus. Panicked because here I am reaching quarter years old and I thought by then I’d already have some sort of career, know what I want to be or achieve and most importantly, I thought I’d be very stable.

But I am not. I am still floating like a puffy white cloud in the sky. And I still act like a childish kid who gawks at chocolate and laughs at stupid jokes.

I have no idea when I am going to get married (I can’t even think of myself and marriage just yet). I am still trying to make sense of my love for marketing, content creation, coding and graphic design…and music. Like who on Earth touches everything beautiful and fell in love with everything? Me. Fml.

Then, I realized, what the heck.

It is actually okay. It is okay to be uncertain about myself.

I slowly embrace the fact that I know nothing about my life or in fact anything of my skills but guess what, vaguity is perfectly fine and it is OK.

It works much better than trying too hard into tricking my brain to think that I do have a plan and I do know what I want in life and all (Sorry brain). It works much better because I am finally honest, and the feeling is incredible.

For the first time ever, I feel like a free bird because hey you know what,

I don’t know where my life is taking me. Maybe I have two kids. Maybe I’ll have twins. And maybe, I will in near future work too much. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I am uncertain and I accept the fact that I am uncertain – and at least that’s one thing I know for sure. I have uncertainties and I accept them.

With that in mind, I stop being too harsh on myself for not adhering to “the life plan”. I fell in love with myself all over again.

Did it stop me from working hard? No. But it stops me from feeling like a complete shit.

Did it stop me from thinking that having no goals is okay? No. But I now learn that it is okay to have uncertainties. One day things will make sense. Uncertainties are part of life and I shouldn’t be too brutal with myself.

Sharing this because it feels like I’ve just found a gold hidden beneath dirts and soil so there is this urge to announce it.

And also because I want to share this with you who are perhaps experiencing the same thing.

Maybe you are feeling like wtf is wrong with your life. Maybe life hasn’t made sense to you but it makes sense to your peers. Maybe you are not sure what to be certain of anymore…

It’s okay. It’s okay to be uncertain and not have your future all planned out. We can be happy without having the answers to everything. No doubt we crave absolute certainties. But when they don’t come as easy and uncertainties overwhelm our safety net, we have to accept that because we can’t change it and that’s okay. Maybe this will one day teach us something and help us find the path that is destined for us. Maybe not. We don’t know but again, that’s okay. We have to learn to accept the shaky journey to our destined path.

Here’s a quote from Shivam to end all this wordy text:

The best way to live your life is by falling in love with it. All you need to do is savor every moment and trust the flow in your life. Be happy about uncertainty and unresolvedness for it could bring unexpected happiness. Get out of the story in your head and breathe where life happens. Right now. – Shivam.

 

Here’s to becoming a fearless life explorer!

Know Your Worth & My Fuck-It-All Theory

(Scroll to the very bottom for my Fuck-It-All Theory or read my ramblings while you sit in your comfortable chair with your favourite drink.)

I think the hardest part for me, especially recently, is knowing my self-worth more than having the confidence to do what I love perfectly. I cannot deny that for the past few days, I question my own being, the person I am and wonder if my dream is actually too high. I thought perhaps I was trying to reach for the stars when I can barely see the sky. I thought maybe, I thought too highly of myself, thinking I am capable of being a somebody when I still am a nobody.

It took me a week of googling and reading people’s answers from Quora to realize this one very important thing – realizing my worth.

Realizing my worth then adds up to a lot of things but mainly the points below:

Continue reading “Know Your Worth & My Fuck-It-All Theory”

The Misconceptions About Letting Go

 

If I let go, they might not come back.

I disagree. Clinging onto something does not mean they will be yours or they will return. Letting go too doesn’t mean they are forever gone.

Clinging on is just a mere act of desperation. For a spur moment, you might feel secured and assured. But that’s only for a spur moment. Imagine carrying a 100000kg worth of rocks. You fear that if you let go of these rocks you might not see them anymore and they might not return…or you might not find them anymore.

But they are actually slowing you down. They are heavy, burdensome and scarring you. That’s why you have to let them go. Watch these rocks scatter on the ground as you throw them away, one by one. Start to prioritize your happiness, health and well-being. Strengthen yourself so one day, you can carry all these rocks again without them scarring you.

Letting go does not mean you will lose the things you love. Letting go is loving yourself enough to give yourself the time to heal. When you’re well enough, you’d have the strength to be anything and get anything you want.

If I let go, I’m not doing my best. 

In my previous post, I wrote about doing more than your best. Letting go doesn’t mean that you are not doing your best. Letting go means you have to let loose. It does not contradict or stop you from doing your best.

Letting go of negative emotions gives you the chance to focus on the positives.

Letting go of the things you cannot change, like natural disasters, someone else’s emotions, others’ decisions, shows you that the only person you can control is yourself. When you let go, you’re still doing your best but with a shift in emotion, feelings and most importantly, a different you.

Letting go means I’m not doing anything to make things work.

Wrong! Letting go means making things work together with the flow of universe. To let go is to believe. To create your life while feeling assured that all things work for your goodness, to prosper you and not to harm you (Quoting Jeremiah 29:11). Yes, you have to act to make things happen but you don’t have to react to things that do not happen the way you want them to. TO ACT DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO REACT.

Letting go is working hard without worrying. Letting go is pursuing your dream with happiness, in a state of calmness and euphoria.

I believe letting go is a beautiful act of forgiving, loving and entrusting. I let go because I know there are things that are out of my control. I let go because I’m secure enough to work on my well-being and my happiness. I let go because I want to attract people that will build me up, not bring me down.

Today, I sincerely write this to encourage you, who are reading this to let go of things that have been holding you back. Choose to feel light, joy and happiness. Chase your happiness while letting go of the turmoils and negativities that are holding you back.

If you believe in God, trust that when you let go, you let God work His way in you. You let Him work together with you for your divine plan. You’re not slacking off. Rather, you’re working hard but sans the heavy emotions that will only drag you down.

Do. Not. Settle.

“You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle…” – Steve Jobs

If there’s one thing I learnt in life… it is do not settle.

Do not settle for mediocre relationship. Relationship where deep down you know you have to compromise.

Do not settle for anything you feel you’re undeserved of. Because each of us has our values, limits and wants. Do not settle until you find them.

Do not settle for a man that cannot give you what you want. Be it time, happiness, commitment or love. You deserve every single thing you want.

Do not settle when your life is causing you grief. Work hard until you get where you want to be. Visualize your winning, your joy and your happiness. You let go but at the same time, you work hard, press on to reach your goals.

Do not settle. Life is not about settling down and being OKAY with anything. Do not settle for people who are always unavailable for you. Do not settle for things that are making you unhappy. Thrive to the best and never ever give up. Most importantly, constantly seek for things that bring you joy. Because life is so much more fun with dreams and inspirations.

Now some might say… it’s easy for you to say! Wait till you’re my age and you’ll understand how hard it is not to settle. How eventually, you will learn what to do and what not to do. Well, I tell you now, AGE is just a number. I won’t settle. Whatever I’ve experienced or will experience is only a lesson learnt. I will be the best version of me at whatever age I will be. Until then, I won’t settle. I won’t settle for a mediocre me. When I reach your age (any number it might be), I will say, I haven’t settled. And I will still not settle until I reach my goal.

 

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